You know, as the pandemic crawls on (and trust me, it is–all this no-mask bullshit is bringing down friends of mine who DO mask up), and as we watch the economy shift, the world change, and our rights–if we’re women–be stripped away, I find myself retreating more and more back into my worlds where the demons may play, but Covid isn’t a thing and where the government generally has a good human rights record. I haven’t seen some of my friends in over two years and that hurts–I love them but it’s too dangerous for me to chance it.
More and more, even though I love writing my adventure stories and Big Bads and ooo-spookies, I need to make sure the ending feels stable and comfortable. For me, it’s a way to at least control the outcome of my stories, since I can’t control the outcome of this world we live in.
Adjusting to the “new normal” of having MCAS has been difficult. It takes away some of my control because, hello…chronic illness.
There are so many days that I lose at least part of due to reactions. I don’t remember the last day I managed to avoid taking Benadryl at night and, even then, it doesn’t guarantee that I’ll make it through safely, without another reaction.
Another new normal that has arisen since a year ago yesterday, we lost our Morgana, and then six months later, we lost our Caly girl.
Even though we have our beloved Ellie and Kirsi, those deaths were severe blows–both unexpected and unavoidable. Even as I write this, I’m sitting here crying. Caly was my heart, Morgan was our gentle giant, and they both went way too soon. Adapting to life without them–not so easy. We adore our new babies and they have squirmed and purred their way into our hearts, along with Apple and Brighid, but new floofs never ‘replace’ beloved floofs gone to soon. There is no replacement–there’s only expanding the heart to include new babies.
Anyway, as I write this, I realize that no wonder I’ve been feeling ungrounded and teary-eyed far more often the past few months. But there’s no going back. There’s no returning to what was. We have to make ‘now’ ours, make it comfortable, make it livable. Which is what I’m trying to do.
How are you coping in this Pandemic World?